It had to happen: I have ceased to be hypnotized by askimam.org. Now I'm mostly bored. Teenage girls who wonder if text messages constitute valid marriage contracts; teenage boys who wonder if they're going to hell after waking up to find a, uh, adolescent accident in their pajamas; zzzz. There are grownup crises as well, but all of these involve (1) a bad decision followed by (2) a witless refusal to rise above the distractions created by that bad decision. Really, not all Moslems are this way, and not all Sharia makes all Moslems this way. People this maladapted would normally route their credulity into UFO's or Sasquatch, or at least move their lips while watching infomercials. But some folks gotta write to askimam.org.

I do continue to find a charm, however evanescent, in the inquiries about houris and djinn. Guys, there's just nothing you can't blame on houris! And they do exist, as do djinn. Somebody asked about how to catch a djinn; another asked what the life expectancy of one was; these questions were derided as trivial but they were not derided as ridiculous. It occurs to me that in the near future, you will be able to tell a bad neighborhood not merely by burglar bars on the windows and c-stores selling forties, but also by people coming up to you and asking you if you are a djinn.

But this bewitches me only so much. What is there good, consistently good, to read on askimam.org? Where the questions come from. This is all the identifying information that is supplied and I believe it is plenty. I suspect the savvier readers cluck knowingly as stereotypes – and the Islamic world must be fit to bust with these – are confirmed. "Oh, everybody from Pakistan asks that!"

I haven't made a formal census, but it strikes me a plurality of the questions come from Pakistan. They are all dismal. Funny thing is, at least to me, there are quite a few from the U.K. and they sound about the same. Domestic discontents, or such people as have jobs wondering if these are halal. (Halal isn't just for food.) I can't help but wonder if the U.K. ones indicate a culture transplanted bodily from halfway around the world. The words "cousin marriage" are never uttered but I sure can imagine 'em*.

Once, there was a question from Bolivia: is kangaroo meat halal? Coincidentally, or not, I read elsewhere a story about kangaroo meat in Turkey, and also something to the effect that there were in Bolivia precisely two Turkish residents. I don't actually endorse the "bar bet" theory but it is consistent with all known facts.

A few inquiries emanate from the U.S. One wretch wrote to say he'd been tricked into believing pepperoni was a vegetable, and eaten it several times on pizza. Then – somehow – he learned it was not only meat, but pork. The guy sounded as if he'd fly an airplane into an office building any minute now. But then, even the guys asking the imams what to do about their porn addictions sound like that.

Recently there was a question from the Netherlands. I'd never seen that before. The petitioner identified herself as of Turkish parentage and apologized for her English, quite needlessly in my opinion. (This website is based in South Africa and the language of command is English, though the imams'll give you Arabic chapter and verse out of thoroughness or ostentation.) The petition itself was customarily dopey, my-sister-has-an-infidel-boyfriend etc. What enchanted me was her very colloquial summation: Long story short, she began it.

I haven't read a word of the Koran but I like to think that somewhere in it is Long story short.

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*Clicking the "Random" button, I did get Fatwa #5816, which specifically approved a marriage with an uncle's daughter. I do not know why this isn't the "Inshallah" or "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. The very first time I tried it, I got the answer to a question (from the U.K.) about shlong size. Unfairly in my opinion, the imam-on-duty assumed the issue was one of shortness. The petitioner never actually said that. Yes, he strongly implied it by concluding his post with I am worried, but I for one prefer to maintain an open mind. Anyway, long story short: you're OK. Unless you're majboob. If you're majboob, your wife can get an annulment. Under Sharia, would your majboobia be a matter of public record? I fear the worst.

(3/3/15)